Valentines Day:J&H Style
by EmaCarew1
Summary: My first posting here, though written in Feb 99 a J&H spoof in dialouge form


Author's Note: I should probably mention that this was co-written with the help of my friend Faith. I think that's it.  
Caitlin  
  
Valentines Day: J&H Style!  
  
We start off as usual with a monologue by Danvers and Utterson   
  
*Danvers enters wearing pink and red, Utterson enters wearing black*  
  
Danvers: Welcome to this special Valentines Day production. I  
say, you're in for a real treat.  
  
Utterson: "Real Treat"? Who talks like that?  
  
Danvers: Shut up.  
  
Utterson: You shut up. Lets just start the show already.  
  
Danvers: Fine.   
  
*they begin the monologues*  
  
Utterson: I tell you this - he was my friend.. until he forgot  
to get me a Hallmark Valentine card! He didn't get me ANYTHING, for   
that matter...  
  
Danvers: He was like a son to me, until that fateful day in February   
when he failed to get me a Valentine.  
  
*Emma runs in*  
  
Danvers: What are YOU doing here? You're supposed to be   
backstage! Go run and put on that hideous wig of yours!  
  
Emma: You think Henry was cruel to YOU?! I'm his fiancee, and he  
didn't get me ANYTHING! He didn't even wish me a Happy Valentines Day!   
And what's wrong with my wig? It's not like I have a choice in the   
matter! I just do what they tell me so I get my paycheck. Why, I.. Hey!   
What are you doing?  
  
*Danvers and Utterson drag her off the stage*  
  
(Once again we are in the insane asylum)  
  
Jekyll: Hi daddy! I brought you some candy and flowers! Will you get   
better now?  
  
Nasty Nurse: *snatches flowers* WHAT? You jerk! How come I don't get   
anything?!  
Jekyll: Because you annoy me. Go away.  
  
*Jekyll grips father and sings*  
*father wakes up*  
  
Father: Goddamn it! Can't I ever get any sleep around here without   
people singing at the top of their lungs right in my ear! I'm not deaf,   
I canhear you just fine! Go home to your girlfriend Henry, you're really   
getting on my nerves........ooh! Candy!  
  
Jekyll: Okay fine I'll leave you now. Don't eat too much of that   
chocolate though. That's what got you here in the first place.  
  
Father: Well I wouldn't have eaten it if I'd have known you'd laced it   
with about fifty thousand chemicals!  
  
Jekyll: It was an experiment.  
  
Father: Well next time would you mind informing me that I'm about to   
become the equivalent of a lab rat for your trivial little scientific endeavors.  
  
Jekyll: Do we really have to go through this? I've been under a lot of   
stress lately.  
  
Father: YOU'VE been under stress! YOU? What, do you think I LIKE being   
in this place with all these psychos knowing that you'll probably join   
them sometime soon? Don't you walk out on me young man! Don't You DARE ignore me........  
  
  
*now at the meeting with the board of governors...for some unknown   
reason the Bishop is prancing about in a Cupid costume*  
  
Lady B: Henry will you be my valentine?  
  
Jekyll: What is this, April Fools day or something? By the way,   
that's about the ugliest dress I've ever seen, except I know for a fact that   
you're going to show up at my engagement party wearing something even   
more hideous.  
  
Lady B: Bite Me.  
  
*bishop shoots Lady B. with an arrow and she starts following Henry   
around (hence the scene where he kills her, but we'll get to that   
later)*  
  
*at the Carew house*  
Emma: Henry is neglecting me once again. Why am I not  
surprised?   
  
*enter Stride*  
  
Stride: Hello Emma. It is fortunate for you that I decided to  
grace you with my presence this evening.  
  
Emma: Oh yes I'm truly delighted *turns to audience, not visible to   
stride, and makes gagging noises*  
  
Stride: Wait until you see what I've brought you for Valentines Day.   
I'm almost positive Henry hasn't gotten you anything. I'm so much   
better than he is!  
  
Emma: Simon, I really do not desire to see you at this time.   
However, as it seems I have no particular choice in the matter I will   
do my best to accept your gift graciously without vomiting on your shoes  
  
Stride: It's outside  
  
Emma: What is?  
  
Stride: The gift  
  
Emma: Oh fine. Whatever. Can we just hurry this up. I feel a migraine   
coming on.  
  
*stride unveils gift*  
  
Emma: Oh Simon. An eight foot tall bronze statue of yourself. *looks   
sick* how, uh..lovely.  
  
Stride: Yes I thought you'd like it. You need something to  
lift your spirits during the day.  
  
Emma:*thinks to self* Yeah I do but this sure doesn't do it. It just   
makes things a whole heck of a lot worse. *speaking now* Simon I think   
you should leave now. Have a lovely day. Really.  
  
*stride leaves*  
  
*Henry enters*  
  
Henry: Hello Emma, sorry I'm late! I know you'll forgive me and sing   
songs with me for a few minutes.. Won't you? EWW!!! What is that THING   
in the garden?!  
Emma: Oh Henry, I KNEW we had something in common! *breaks into song*  
*Henry breaks into song also*  
  
*Emma finally steps on her dress and rips it, because she forgot to   
kick it around this time, which traumatizes Henry so he decides to go with   
Utterson to the red rat*  
  
*at the red rat: Utterson and Jekyll are sitting at their little table   
thing, Lucy comes out*  
  
Lucy: Hello everyone, and happy valentines day! I am a disillusioned   
little whore who wanted to become a singer but found that a strip joint   
was the only place I could get work. I am now going to prance around   
and wave my telescope while occasionally yelling "Yoo hoo!" at people.  
  
Utterson: See what you're missing Henry?  
  
Henry: How come Emma doesn't dress like that?  
  
*time passes*  
  
*Spider comes out and begins to tango with the Nasty Red Rat lady while   
Lucy sings "I Will Survive"*  
  
Henry: can I go home now?  
  
Utterson: Fine  
  
*in the lab*  
  
Henry: I think I'll mix some chemicals up and drink them now. They have   
to be red though in honor of Valentines day.  
  
*Emma walks in*  
  
Emma: Good God Henry! Is THIS how you spend your time? THIS is the   
reason you   
didn't get me any Valentines day present, the reason I now have a   
HIDEOUS statue of Simon Stride in my yard??! Well I tell you this, I'm SICK to death of   
your constant whining and holing up in this little dungeon of a room. You're going to   
wind up to be as insane as your father!  
  
Henry: Don't you DARE talk about my father that way! And I was gonna   
get you a present, I just forgot.  
  
Emma: Oh I see. You forgot. You FORGOT?! I think I need to do something   
so you don't forget again.  
*kicks Henry in the groin and begins looking at lab items*  
  
Emma: What is this stuff anyway? And where do you get it? I wouldn't be   
surprised if the police came in here on a raid and discovered you had   
all sorts of illegal substances brewing.  
  
Henry: Emma I think you should go now, you need to relax a bit.  
  
Emma: Well why do you think I came HERE? That's another thing I wanted   
to bring up. How come you've never kissed me? Is there something wrong with you? Cuz   
I'd really hate to find out later when we're married that you're actually a woman.  
  
*Suddenly turns soft* I don't know WHY I'm being so nice to you all of   
the sudden, Henry. You're a real jerk and you're just going to end up   
trying to kill me, but I guess I have to cause it's in the script. This   
is really screwed up, anyway, how come we're in this scene right now?   
It's not supposed to be till later in the show! *sings a few short lines*  
I'm leaving now, Henry.  
  
*Emma leaves*  
  
Henry: Whew, she's gone. Now I can drink this potion and turn into a   
murderer so I can go have fun with that pretty prostitute I saw earlier   
today.   
  
*turns into Hyde and breaks a few things in the laboratory*   
  
Hyde: hey, this is pretty cool. I'm gonna go see Lucy now. Oh yeah..   
FREE!  
  
*Stage goes dark and we are outside of Jekyll's house*   
  
*Emma and Sir Danvers enter*  
  
Emma: Henry is such a jerk, but I love him anyway. I'm not coming back   
until he calls for me. I wonder what his problem is.  
  
Sir Danvers: His work. Nothing More. He is possessed...  
  
Emma: daddy, not yet! That's not even your line!  
  
Danvers: sorry.  
  
Emma: Anyway.. I'm wearing a pretty dress today, aren't I daddy? I   
thought so.   
  
*Scene turns to Utterson and Jekyll inside the house*  
  
*Jekyll Runs to the desk and trips over his chair, cutting his hand on   
the desk and nearly breaking his neck while Utterson stands by looking   
bewildered*  
  
*Jekyll recovers and opens a drawer, handing Utterson some letters*   
Utterson: what are these?   
  
Jekyll: Letters to give to all those weird people if anything happens   
to me. You have to do it, you're my lawyer, and you're my friend, even if   
you are a jerk.  
  
Utterson: *puts a hand on Jekyll's shoulder and Jekyll puts his hand   
over Utterson's* It's okay Henry, I'll stand by your side.   
  
Jekyll: *pulls his hand away* Are you gay?  
  
*Utterson doesn't answer and starts singing*  
  
*Jekyll walks over to stage right and stares at his bleeding hand while   
Utterson sings.. Eventually joining in as Emma and Sir Danvers sing   
too. Supposedly there is a Facade reprise during this song also, but nobody   
hears it.*  
  
*stage goes dark and we are back in Jekyll's house.. AGAIN*  
  
*Poole, the butler enters*  
  
Poole: Dr. Jekyll, there's a prostitute here to see you. She's dressed   
like a lady but we all know what SHE'S been doing. Want to see her?  
  
Jekyll: okay!  
  
*Lucy enters and proceeds to strip off the top of her dress*  
  
Lucy: I had a violent customer tonight and decided to come see you   
since you said you're a doctor. Wanna fix my wounds? By the way, the guy who   
did this, his name was Edward Hyde.   
  
*Jekyll starts cleaning her back and she starts singing..*  
  
Lucy: You're pretty nice. A little weird but pretty nice. *kisses him*  
  
Jekyll: *thinks to himself* Whoa, I like this girl, she kisses good,   
but I'd better make her stop kissing me or Emma'll get mad! *pulls away*   
*speaking* You'd better leave and start singing that song now. I'm not   
going to say goodbye, I'm just going to walk away. Nice of me, isn't   
it? Oh yeah, before you go, I got you a valentine.   
  
Lucy: How sweet.. *reads it* "To the hooker with the heart of gold who   
sings really good songs"..   
  
  
Lucy: *gets dressed again and starts singing.. Somehow ending up out in   
the street*  
  
*As the song ends, lots of people try to trample Lucy, but somehow she   
escapes the trampling and sings the last note of the song perfectly*  
  
*A London Street*  
  
*enter cupid bishop and swedish prostitute*   
  
Swedish Prostitute: You are a jerk!  
  
Cupid Bishop: Come back soon, little girl! I'm a weird, horny old man   
and I like 14 yr old Sveeedish girls!   
  
Swedish Prostitute: Whatevah! I don't like you! You scare me! *runs   
away, tripping over the bench that is so strategically placed right in   
front of her exit*  
  
*enter Guineviere*   
  
Gwinny: Don't worry, she will be back. She LOOVEESS crazy old men.   
  
*Enter Hyde*  
  
Hyde: oh look, it's a hypocrite! I'd better kill him. *starts beating   
him with his cane*Hypocrite! Hypocrite! Hypocrite! *checks himself for redundancy* Oh   
well! *starts singing "Alive"* ... How did Lucy end up back there? Oh well,   
I'll go grab her. I like grabbing prostitutes! .. Umm.. FREE! Yeah...  
  
*Hyde starts a fire somehow and burns the bishop's body to a crisp*   
  
INTERMISSION  
  
ACT 2:  
  
Hyde: Ha ha! I'm going to kill you all! Happy Valentines day, Cupid's   
dead now, I just burned his body.  
  
Ensemble: We're singing. Look at our pretty new umbrellas. Valentines   
day gifts from Sir Danvers. Such a thoughtful man!  
  
*Dr. J at drugstore*  
  
Jekyll: Look, I need that chocolate for Emma and I need it NOW!   
*smacks cane on counter*  
  
Pharmasist: *jumps* Alright already! Settle down.  
  
*Jekyll leaves, and people wave the umbrellas for another ten minutes.   
It starts snowing, and the guys start throwing the girls around*  
  
Lady B: Oooh! Look at this cheap necklace I have. I am however,   
pretending it is expensive and was bought for me by somebody who   
actually cares about me. REAL diamonds, they are. Hah! I'm sooo   
stylish!  
  
Emma: *peeks in* Comments on style should never be made by those who   
have none, Lady B. *whispers* .. like the wig designers for this show!  
*leaves*  
  
Hyde: Shut up Hag! Nobody cares about you! And stop drooling over   
Henry! He hates you.. Trust me, I know. We're VEERRRY close! *laughs   
maniacally*  
  
*grabs necklace and strangles Lady B.*  
  
Lady B. "No, please!"  
  
*Hyde mimics her and the audience laughs*  
  
*scene changes- Jekyll's Lab*  
  
Emma: Hello Henry. Happy Valentine's day. I was just reading your   
journal, but you don't care, do you?   
  
Henry: No not at all, even though I am rather angry and feeling very   
strange. Must be the drugs.I've gotten you something. Sorry I forgot and it's late!  
  
Emma: Oh a new wig! Henry how thoughtful! And it's even uglier than   
the last! Chocolate too? I really must watch my figure.. If you hadn't   
noticed my backside is slightly large. You're so good to me - that is when you're not locked up down here like   
you've been lately.  
  
Henry: Give me time Emma. Everything will be okay! I promise.  
  
Emma: You're not just saying that?  
  
Henry: Of course not. Well I guess I AM just saying it, but still.. I   
love you and will never let anything happen to you - well until I try   
to kill you at the wedding.  
  
Emma: Yes, and even then I'll still love you because I'm crazy and   
overly optimistic. *Sings to him and then leaves*  
  
*Next Scene*  
  
Henry: I'm a psycho. I'm such a jerk. I'm obsessed!  
I can't believe I killed a cupid on Valentine's Day! How awful! On the   
other hand it was only the Bishop PRETENDING to be cupid, and he really   
did deserve it. And I DID kill Lady B., too.. I don't really regret   
that. But STILL! *despairs and then sings a cool song.   
  
*Henry finishes his song and begins having convulsions and Lucy and   
Emma   
sing In His Eyes*  
  
Lucy: Oh hello Emma, how are you?  
  
Emma: just fine, and you? Hey, don't look at me. It's bad staging.  
  
Lucy: sorry.   
  
*song finishes..*  
  
*Scene changes to what appears to be the entire red rat crew camping   
out*  
  
*Hyde enters*  
  
Gwinny: Be nice to him Lucy. He is, after all, going to kill you pretty   
soon. Yoohoo, happy V-day darling!  
  
Hyde: Happy Valentines day, Gwinny.. Hey, I thought I killed you. Oh   
wait, that was Lady B. I'll get to you later.   
  
Lucy: Oh hello violent customer. How nice to see you again. I thought   
you were someone else, but lucky for me, it was you, o murderous one!  
  
Hyde: Yes, for a moment it almost was, but it's not.   
  
Lucy: Nice coat.. Very fashionable  
  
Emma: *peeks her head in* Comments on sty- .. Oh, you're pretty   
stylish. Nevermind. *leaves*  
  
Hyde: thank you. Purple Moose is in this season. Who is that   
psychotic girl anyway?  
  
Lucy: I dunno, I just sang a pretty duet with her. She sings good, but   
I'm better.  
  
Hyde: good. Will you sing a duet with me while I lick your arm and tear   
your sweater off further?  
  
Lucy: sure, I'm game! I look better with my clothes off anyway, and I   
like violent customers.   
  
Hyde: wait, I have some dialogue here.. Oh yeah.. You'd better wait for   
me, Lucy. Or else.  
  
Lucy: okay, let's sing now.  
  
*Lucy starts out the song..*  
  
Lucy: Hey, will you guys stop giggling? It's rather distracting, and   
we're trying to SING here!  
  
*They continue the song.. For once the annoying laughter is gone. Happy   
Valentines Day!*  
  
Hyde: Hey Lucy, let's run away and get married..  
  
Lucy: Okay. Wait a minute, we can't get married. You kill me, remember?  
  
Hyde: oh yeah. Nevermind.  
  
*Lucy nudges Hyde, even though she's practically strangled by now*  
  
Lucy: hey we need to sing the last line..  
  
Hyde: oh yeah..  
  
*Lucy jerks away from Hyde*  
  
Both: It's a dangerous game *They run off the stage together*  
  
Spider: If you live around here... Hey Gwinny where'd you go? Oh there   
you are..  
  
*Spider and the ensemble continue whispering the 20th reprise of   
Facade*  
  
*Lucy's little bedroom place*  
  
Utterson: Hello Lucy. Here's a valentine from Henry. Actually, it's   
a letter telling you to get the hell out of here along with some money.   
Want it?  
  
Lucy: Why do I have a suspicion that that Emma chick was in on this.   
She probably wants me out of the way so she can have Henry all to   
herself. Spoiled brat! Her and her wigs.....  
  
Utterson: *holds out money and letter* Uh..Miss Harris....  
  
Lucy:*snatches money and letter* Yeah whatever. Just give it to me   
and go away please.   
  
Utterson: Alright. By the way, nice kimono.  
  
Lucy: Hey, come back here. I can't read!   
  
Utterson: well I already told you what's in the letter. It says "Get the   
hell out of here and use this money to start.. A New Life"  
  
*Audience waits in anticipation*  
  
Lucy: Time for the Valentine's Day Square Dance! I am now singing a   
wonderfully emotional ballad that many people love. Unfortunately, my   
clapping and stomping combined with the song send mixed messages to the   
audience. Well what the hell do I care? Do si do! Swing yer partner   
round and round........ It never used to be like this. It was just..   
wonderfully emotional! Linda held out the last note longer, but no one   
cares because I'm cute and I can sing pretty good too. Oh well. It's   
still a good song too.. Oh look, here comes the part where I thump my   
chest.. I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! Even if I am severely insecure and   
won't save my own life by leaving this place. Ouch, misplaced a fist   
there..   
  
Lucy: Okay I'm done now. Ooh thunder! I'm scared.. I'm going to blow   
out this candle and curl up in bed now. Night night.  
  
*Hyde sneaks into her room somehow.. I didn't know he was supposed to   
have magical powers. Does Spider let customers in after hours? Hmm...*  
  
Hyde: *smiling evily and sadistically* Happy Valentine's day Lucy. I   
brought you a Valentine.   
  
Lucy: But I already got one from you.. oh wait, that was Henry. Even   
though you're technically the same person and I don't know that.   
  
Hyde: * Displays knife to audience* Happy Valentines Day, everyone!   
Audience: Gasp!  
  
Lucy: Hey, what's up with them?  
  
Hyde: Oh, they're just glad to see me!  
  
Lucy: oh okay. You're supposed to kill me now.  
  
Hyde: *laughs that menacing laugh of his and starts screaming a   
wonderfully beautiful song in Lucy's ear, then stabs her to death.*  
  
Audience: *sighs.. ah the irony.. wipes tears from their eyes..*  
  
*people come and take Lucy off the stage in a wheelbarrow. There used   
to be a more emotional part of this scene but for some reason they took   
it out*  
  
*Facade #21*  
  
*time passes, more monologues by Danvers and Utterson*  
  
Utterson: So...As you have learned, Jekyll is a very inconsiderate man   
who will most likely end up in St Judes sometime soon.... I'm supposed   
to still be his friend, but he never got me a valentine.   
  
Danvers: And he also has no idea about the importance of Valentines   
day to Emma and instead wastes his time giving money to prostitutes.   
But, because Emma is a spoiled brat who always gets what she wants, I am   
allowing her to marry Henry.  
  
*wedding day*  
  
Emma: Ooh! We're getting married! Yeah! This dress feels weird. I'm   
really talented not to step on these hideously long dresses, aren't I? I   
look pretty. Look Henry, we're going to get married. *gives him a big   
cheesy smile*  
  
Henry: Wedding day. Yippee. I'm thrilled really. Hey Emma you look   
cute today. Don't step on that skirt again or I might not be able to   
marry you. Hey, what's with the purple moose over there? Uh oh. What's   
happening? *Jerks around a bit and turns into Hyde*  
  
Hyde: Happy Valentine's day Emma. Stride is about to be out of your   
life forever. BWAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Emma: *looks pleased for a second and then wonders what's going on*  
  
Guests: Gasp!  
  
Hyde: *slaughter's stride* Okay Emma sorry but I just really feel like   
killing you now.  
  
Emma: That's okay Henry. I still love you. By the way, do you have   
any more of that chocolate?  
  
Hyde: Can't you get it through your head that your about to be killed?  
  
Utterson: Sorry Henry *stabs Jekyll*  
  
Emma: He's DEAD! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! HENRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!  
*Sings a couple of really beautiful lines in a shaky voice*  
  
  
*the cupid-bishop reeappears*  
  
Cupid-Bishop: NOW does everybody agree that Valentine's day is stupid?  
  
*now we hear the menacing chords and the audience leaves the theater   
deeply moved*  



End file.
